"To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles"

Dont worry I dont have suicide on my mind.. If you take this quote a little different you might actually bump into a different meaning.

I guess I built everything on one thing really in my life up to a very recent point. I decieded that the main foundation of the thing: "me" will be based on one thing and one thing only: control. The ability to predict future simply by not allowing to unfold itself but forcing it to be the way I wanted. I did not always succed.. sometimes things are just beyond our power. Still this is how I went to sleep with a clear consciousness. I guess I broke sometime ago. I had to admit, I overgraged myself, I have way less influence than I thought... which is a hard finding considering I pretty much built "myself" on it.. Its hard to admit, but luck is all that is. I did some things well, its not that I am just overflooded with negative thinking (this time), its just that I see no way to seize my tomorrow the way I want it. The question remains: what if I just lay back, and wait? Given some skills and brain, I should be fine... most good things just came to me yet..