Hi, and welcome back to the game.

I just read the whole mess I created in the last week.. I know its a little pathetic to read your own stuff.. and I heard a lot of writers try to avoid it. Firstly because theis previous output limits them, but more importantly because they dont think its good. I must admit I am this way :) Also I decided to read it to make sure I am consistent, and I dont make a fool out of myself contradicting my own theories. It was at that very moment that it dawned on me that I dont give a sh*t if challange my own thinking. I should not care what anybody thinks, this is the point. I can even simply state I am a fool. Easy as that. this is one of the few honest life situations.. no roles, no rules, just me. Me and my twisted thinking. Lost inside :) And also locked inside.

Remember me whinig about happiness and how perception is the only thing that matters? I think there is nothing that I am more sure of than the signifance of this thesis. Still, I, myself fail to use it to my benefit. I must admit I am aware of the tool, the method of making my life easy and joyful, but i fall back into the trap i digged for myself. Am i just stupid? Foolish? Victim of circumstances? No, because those things dont matter. There is no direction to which you could walk 10 meters before bumping into a happy idiot. I wish I were one of those. At the same time I worship the analytical mind. I want to oversee and understand, I need to explore the back stage, so I understand to the best everything that keeps this rusty machine in motion. The one we call life. As my mentor, chef, second father call him what you want said: "You are master of your universe". He was just too damn right. I have this constant hunger for understanding, because understanding leads to control, the way to the top of the food chain. I think I have a little arrogant need for superiority. You know why? If you are in control, once again you are secure.

After all I am sure, that all I lack is bravery and strong will. I am weak. I am not brave enough to be happy. I need to be on alert and I need constant pain to know I am alive. The reason I think is that we think happy people are vulnerable. They have a lot to lose. But those who have pain already, are not shocked so much just because of an other stab.

Wow, we are really going deep in me.. the rest is only for adults. So its clear that I am weak. i guess this is the biggest negative of my already negative personality. I act really friendly, you can be my best mate in seconds, at the same time I hurt myself before you do so I am secure. If it all worked out perfect you did not even notice.

I have a lot of "friends". I think already too many to handle. Only very few of them know, feel what I do.. they know me. I dont have to stab myself, because I know they wont. I trust them. Still I always have to remind myself. -Everything is allowed, no shames, roles or worries.. you are among true friends.- I refuse to go crazy.
This is what i need now. These are troubled times, sometimes lonely ones. I need to leave home, I need people, I need those that understand me, I desperately need the human touch... I have to make sure, I must shout out as loud as I can:

I am not lost inside!