Good morning Buda!

I decided to drop the habit of only publishing at night while being sometimes a little drunk, but always beeing really tired.

Now, with a clear head I decided to sherlock out why I named this blog "lost inside". Honestly I dont know. In fact my brain was not only offline but was nowhere near when I came up with this. Despite this i think I know how to explain it.

This is basically a theory on the meaning of life, and happiness and other banalities. God, I hat banalities and all the widely accepted crap, the only thing I truly honor is the power of the analytical mind. Don't accept any pre-made concept without checking if you like it or not. Probably this is why I just think too much. I guess its a little better disease than of those who don't think at all, but really I had to realize I just think too much about too many things, and that pushes my mood down under.
Today's takeaway is just this: dont think.
Let me explain it and that is where i come back to the theory. If you think of the happiest moment of last week, and the worst one. What is the difference? In one case you were given something or got lucky, got a good feedback, while in the worst one, somebody hurt you, or you missed a nice opportunity or such.. Now, is there any REAL difference between the two? This is when the magic happens, you got to realize that there is none. How you perceived the moment was only based on your state of mind, and that state of mind ONLY. The worst moments could very easily be turned into good ones, all you needed to do is to spot the positives of them. "If it does not kill you, it makes you sronger" (not applicable in case of a heart attack but otherwise more or less ok). So back to the point. How we see the world, if its a happy or sad place only comes from within. Go ahead and test yourself. Next time you will be really angry and ready to crush kill and destroy, take a deep breath (no joint) and a step back (not to the abyss). Irritating enemies become sorry fools, problems become to-dos, and as we remove the black cloud from in front of our face we begin to see what really matters. Nice things in life.

When this thing dawned on me (it might be obvius for anyone) it really shocked me. I was locked away from civilization in a little village in Belarus no water, people, no entertainment. You eat what you kill and find. I was there for two weeks. The first one was dreadful. Nice forest but so what? I was dieing from boredom, it was raining outside most of the time, I already read all the books I brought.. time has never passed so slowly before. Fuck the forest, and mushrooms and lakes, and give me a laptop geared up for counter strike online. Than it just turned around. I cant tell when or why, but I began to like it. In fact I began to love it. I think I was not able to get any more angry. I went out and felt the rain, like never before, every raindrop that hit me, made me feel alive. I touched the trees, I smelled the nature and watched the sun going down from a little hill while I was collecting raspberry. For those of you who find this pathetic I feel really sorry, and wish you could experience it. It was a wonderful moment when nothing, and really nothing changed around me but at the same time the world has opened. The sun went down before, I have seen the trees and felt the rain for the previous days, still I was angry and felt like wasting my life. All that changed, had changed inside me. This was when I realized. All that matters is how you perceive it. The second week passed faster any before.