Good mourning Rosehill :)
(i spelled it ou with a purpose)

I just read what I had created yesterday.. uhm.. so much for happy posts, huh? If this was the happy one, than you could guess what a sad one is like. Makes you want to jump out of through the nearest window. In my case there are a number of reasons no to do that. If I tried, I would just end up dirty with a grassy face and a pretty much disappointed expression on it realizing that I live on the ground floor. I would be pretty disappointingly alive and unhurt. By the way just before that, there are some white bars in the way from my room to the garden. They are from the mean type , I tell you.. not only cold steel, but no sense of humor..not even a hidden little smile from them when I end up hanging on them with legs and arms between the rails, and swearing all over the place.. I hate 'em bars. I really do.

One of the girls in school made a really good point today. Sometimes even girls make good points.. (come on feminists jump at me.. i just love girls with spirit :) She said she had a blog herself and that a lot of her friends knew about and that spoilt the point. She could not be honest anymore because she started to care about who is reading. It killed it so much that she decided to shut it down. Funny point there. I mean, how honest are we in real life if we shut an honest thing down cause others are reading. How many of U, or US could actually be honest and to what extend? There are things we do not admit to ourselves, so how could we share them? Just recently have I realized how dishonest I was to a lot of people, but it does not matter, they fuced with me too.. like we all do, like you all do.
If we lie, ok maybe just disort the picture a little so it fits the needs than its ok, we did not hurt anyone.. but lets put it otherwise. If you do this change in your story you have to be constant, and you must keep on developing this image. Its not a big problem if ou do it with people you dont see much like I did when I told the guys in the anonymus club of alcoholics that I was clean for a week.. but i mean you have to lie to people that are close to you, to maintain the picture. Than, everything you said, ties into the picture they develop about you. At a certain point you might start believing your own story, and shame on you when you do. You just lost honesty to yourself. These are little things most of the time, but every little thing drives you away from smoething key to happiness key to freedom, and that thing is yourself my friend.

Think about something you lied to others about.. say it loudly if you are alone, and feel the joy of release. Here is something I must tell, and those of you who know me, know how hard this is for me: "Kati was the first women in my life, she was the one that made me a man" I never told her, i think I should have... but when I met her, already everyone knew otherwise. Than I had to come up with stories on what I did and how.. It was not intentional, out of evil or something,I just did not correct the misbelief.. I did not want to dissappoint everyone. Especially not her, because I was soo eager to be the one. I though this will make me worth more, but in fact it hurt me for almost 4 years now, ever since. Kati I know you are reading.. I am sorry, I hope you understand.

Gee, I think these are tears on my face..
Some of you will find this childish.. for those: fuck you :) Some just wont care: fuck you. Oh and the smartesses in the back.. yeah you have guessed it.. fuck you :D For the tiny minority that feels my pain... dont tell this to a lot of people, or at least dont add my name, but follow me to honesty if you can. IF you are brave enough.

god, i never felt so great.

Happy post mode over :)